Suffering In Silence: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression

If you knew me before I  became a mother, you would have thought I’d tackle motherhood like I had tackled everything else in my life—with determination, drive and desire. That was not my experience. I struggled; and honestly, I still struggle. For a long time, I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness. It isn’t—and all of us need to be asking for more of it.

I needed help from day one, but it took me nine months to start asking for it. My struggle started with breastfeeding. I had been steadfast in my desire to nurse for a year. To me, there was no other way to feed my baby. I was determined to do it, and I was going to make it work. I tried everything: two lactation consultants, every herb or food product that could boost milk supply, supplements, different breast pumps, nipple shields, every nursing position, and power pumping. None of it worked for me. The emotional roller coaster was extreme. I would have a good feeding and exclaim to my husband that it was going to work! And then, I’d have a bad pumping session, or Fox wouldn’t latch and I’d fall to pieces. My self-worth and  value as a mother was tied to every single ounce I was (or wasn’t) producing.

I couldn’t see the impact this stress was having on my mental health. Feeding Fox was the only thing that took up space in my brain. I didn’t leave the house for days (maybe even weeks) at a time because I was so terrified of having to feed Fox in public. I spent hours washing bottles, stuck to a breast pump and researching lactation-friendly recipes. I felt so disconnected from my husband, my son and my body. I thought this was all normal. For most of this time, I kept telling myself that I just had to reach the next milestone and things would get easier.

But the months went on, and things didn’t get easier. I could feel the walls I was building around myself. I was on autopilot. I got everything checked off my to-do list every day and anything outside that was too much. I didn’t want to deal. Work became my outlet. When I was burying myself in work, I didn’t have to deal with anything or anyone else. I was closing out everyone around me and making myself a martyr at the same time. I was so stubborn that not only would I not ask for help, I would refuse it when it was offered. I needed to think I could do it all.  

I am not yet ready to share the story of when I knew things finally had to change. It is still too raw. But the important thing is I got there. My first step was a call was to my boss. I shared my struggles with her, and I asked for help. Without hesitation or judgment, she was able to offer me practical, reasonable ways to help. Then, I started therapy. I still go—twice a month. I both dread it and look forward to it at the same time. It is helping me heal not just from my postpartum struggles but other traumas in my past that I believe greatly contributed to my struggle becoming a mother. I spoke with my OB/GYN and started taking anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. For me, this step was a hard one to take. I had to get over my own hang-up around medications to really accept that this was right for me. Once I started to see a difference, I didn’t look back. The last and by far most important part of this journey for me was letting my husband in enough to help me. And, our marriage is stronger because of it.

I know I am still healing. I still don’t feel 100% like myself, but I work at it every single day. I work on myself. But I’m learning to not set my bar too high. I work on my marriage, and I’m learning to let my husband in all the way. I work at being a better mother, but I’ve learned to not be so hard on myself. I’ve learned that I cannot do it alone, and even if I could, there is no reason to. I have a support system that will catch me if I fall. They were certainly there to lift me up when I asked for it.

If you need help, please ask for it. There is no reason to keep suffering. There is no shame. No one will think you are less than. You deserve the help. I wish I had grasped this earlier, because everyone around me was saying it. So I will say it again: You are strong. You deserve help. You are not less than.  

Emily Clay, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist